Batman and Robin is a mess. It is joyless, unnecessary, and stupid. I saw this in the theater when it came out, and that might be the last time I saw it, until now. It would be easy to sit here and type about everything that is wrong with this movie, though it would make for a long post, so I decided to do something different. I went into it with the intent of finding five good things about this movie. I knew it would be difficult, but I figured I could do it. I sorely underestimated Joel Schumacher.
1. The same actor, Michael Gough, played Alfred in this movie, as in the previous three movies. He is given more of a role in this movie, besides offering words of wisdom and serving meals. His story line is contrived. He is stricken with the same disease as Mr. Freeze’s wife, but his character has some good interactions with Bruce.
Bruce Wayne: Well, he’s over-eager. He’s impulsive. I can’t trust him not to get hurt.
Alfred: Perhaps the truth is you really don’t trust anyone.
Bruce Wayne: Oh, don’t tell me you’re on his side, again.
Alfred: Despite all your talents, you are still a novice in the ways of family. Master Dick follows the same star as you but gets there by his own course. You must learn to trust him, for that is the nature of family.
Bruce Wayne: I trust *you*, Alfred.
Alfred: But I shan’t be here forever.
2. Arkham Asylum’s set design was decent (not entirely neon, the way EVERY OTHER PART OF THE MOVIE IS).
3. Mr. Freeze’s origin stayed true to his most recent incarnations. His story is a tragic story. Done well, Mr. Freeze is one of my favorite Batman villains. In this? Not so much.
4. George Clooney wore a tux in a couple scenes. That guy knows how to wear a tux.
5. The end credits? Is that a cop out? Who cares? Obviously, nobody associated with the production of this movie.
This is where I would normally give a few thoughts about the character, story, direction, etc., but that would be giving this movie more thought than it deserves. Instead, I wrote down some of the comments my wife made while watching this garbage. Enjoy.
“They aren’t subtle with that one. Villain set up in first two minutes.”
“Arnold Schwarzenegger is not a good actor, is he?”
“This looks like a high school play.”
“We’re not even half way done…”
At about an hour and fifteen minutes into the movie, she fell asleep. She had been tired all evening, and it seemed cruel of me to wake her to watch Batman and Robin. Unfortunately for her, she woke up later and finished up the movie.
“Sorry for all my dramatic sighs…”
“That’s stuff from like Hobby Lobby. Those vines…” (No, that was not a complete sentence, but she had been watching Batman and Robin for nearly two hours).
If the atrocity of Batman and Robin can be boiled down to one scene, it is this one. I just saved you two hours of your time. You are welcome.